Advice to Newly Pregnant Ladies

Because I am a wise 31-weeker and know EVERYTHING since I have spent the entire last 26 weeks of my life researching pregnancy online (please note sarcasm), I have some advice to offer:

1. Morning Sickness is not just for sissies and there is always someone out there who is so much worse off than you are. Pray for them.
2. Buy a container of Clorox Disenfecting Wipes and keep them in the bathroom. You'll be spending a lot of time in there and you might as well start cleaning the grime out of the nooks and crannies of your toilet as you hover over it.
3. Do NOT eat loads of raw carrots if you are still puking. They will rip up your throat and cause you pain for three days.
4. Pet names are great for the fetus. You have to call it something. However, don't let your annoying co-worker name it for you or you will have to endure said nickname four times a day, five days a week. Nip it in the bud QUICK.
5. Don't worry, those maternity clothes won't always seem so gigantic.
6. Try not to get offended at every little thing. When ten people ask you in a day the sex of the baby and the due date or what you plan on naming the little bugger, don't get annoyed. They're just showing interest and don't know what else to say to you. When the custodian in your office tells you that he's going to have to widen the door for you, just breath deeply, he thinks he's funny. When your friends take an unprecedented interest in how much caffeine you consume or whether calamari is a "safe" food, smile and vow to make them babysit one day.