House Rules

As I sit firmly in my 6th month of pregnancy (and trying NOT to count down from twelve weeks), I feel pretty confident in reporting the stupidest thing said to me thus far. It was early on... about 16 or 17 weeks in when most normal people stop puking. We were hosting two ungrateful houseguests. One night after I made them dinner and consumed my portion, I promptly threw it up. Ungrateful Houseguest #1 (the one who ate an entire new box of cereal I had purchased and drank all of my apple juice) said:

"Aren't pregnant women only supposed to get sick in the morning?"

She said it with such authority that I felt like she was questioning the validity of my pregnancy. I calmly explained that no, "morning sickness" is a misnomer.

This brings me to two very important rules for the duration of my pregnancy:

1. Don't mess with my food, especially the apple juice and apples that kept me alive for the first five months of gestation.
2. Don't tell me how pregnant women are "supposed" to be.

In addition, let me lay down the rules for houseguests. They're pretty simple. We live in a tourist town and we have hosted a wide array of people - even near strangers. There are those that will never be welcome back.

1. Do not ask for us to leave our house for a few hours so that you and your boyfriend can have some "private time".
2. Buy us dinner one night as a small token of appreciation for housing your ass and carting it around town. It doesn't have to be fancy. Popeye's is fine with me. If dinner is not an option, I really like daisies and there is a flower shop around the corner.

Now that we are expecting an addition to our household, I think that more rules will be added including:

1. No one will be allowed to stay overnight unless we have seen them, spoken with them, or received a holiday greeting from them the previous year. Holidays include but are not limited to Christmas, New Years, birthdays, Halloween and Passover.
2. No one will be welcome more than two nights unless they are family or my dear friends.
3. If you don't know that I'm pregnant yet, don't even bother calling.